We Need To Talk
by ByWillowy
Summary: Spencer is forced to come clean about a long-held secret. But will the consequences be worth it?


Spencer stood naked at the window in the pale morning light and pushed the curtain aside. He looked out at the twinkle of sunrise on new fallen snow and he was happy. He turned his head to watch the still-sleeping Jennifer and sighed. How had it come to this? All his years of quietly loving her in secret. If she had known, would she have come to him sooner? He didn't know, and right now he didn't care. She was here, and she was his.

They had all been out drinking together at the bar, and Morgan had teased him about his love life, the lack thereof, as usual. It was an old discussion, well worn, and Spencer had countered by using erudite vocabulary and Shakespearean insults to imply that Derek was, in point of fact, a slut.

Derek, half in his cups, raised his glass to JJ and retorted "Oh, my bad. I guess I should be saving myself for someone who doesn't love me."

Spencer was mortified. He sat rooted to the spot, his face instantly on fire, the bottom dropping out of his stomach. He had entrusted only one person with that information, and now his supposed best friend was throwing it out there for the world to hear – not just the world, but the very person he meant was _sitting right next to him!_

JJ had started to lift her glass too, thinking it just another one of Morgan's bad jokes. She laughed nervously and glanced over at her friend. He wasn't laughing. She lowered her glass and moved to touch his arm. "Spence…", she began.

Spencer looked at her for just a moment and she saw the sadness in his eyes as he got up to leave. He didn't say a word, just walked out.

"_Spence!"_ she called after him, louder. He didn't stop. She rounded on Derek.

"Dick move, Morgan," she started in. "You know damned well how shy he is about things like that! If he confided in you and you just blurted it out like that? I wouldn't blame him if he's mad as hell."

"He's not mad, JJ. He's embarrassed. And don't you sit there all righteous pretending not to know why."

"What? What are you talking about?" She made a face and leaned back, crossing her arms.

"Exactly _who_ do you _think_ I could've been talking about?"

She flicked her eyes sideways, getting more irritated. "How should I know?"

Derek leaned forward in his chair. "Oh come on. You know exactly who it is he's been in love with all these years." He looked at her pointedly, and there was no mistaking his meaning.

JJ could be pretty clueless sometimes, but she wasn't stupid. She stared at Derek, openmouthed, as the realization hit her.

"You're full of it." She shot back.

"Really. Well maybe you should just think about that for a minute. I'll go get us another round." He stood up, taking their glasses to the bar, and when he returned to the table the only sign that she had even been there was an empty, spinning chair.

* * *

Spencer spent the drive home imagining various ways he might be able to get away with murdering Morgan. His gut-wrenching humiliation made everything a blur, and he was surprised when he finally pulled into his parking lot. He rested his head on the steering wheel and felt dread seep into every pore.

God, what would he say to JJ? Now that Derek had let the cat out of the bag there was no putting it back in. How could he face her? How could he tell her that Derek had been right, that his love for her had only grown as the years had gone by… to the point where he could never imagine himself with anyone else, ever.

He knew that he wasn't obsessed, he simply loved her. He wanted her and her happiness above all else, and wanted to be the man that _made_ her happy, every day of her life. He went to sleep dreaming of her every night, and woke every morning excited to see her at work, he even looked forward to the grim cases he knew they'd have to solve together.

But she was with Will. That thought was a knife in his heart every day. He didn't hold it against Will, though, he completely understood him, and Will was a good guy and a good father to Henry, so Spencer never considered coming forward with his feelings, thinking JJ would only laugh at him like every other woman always had. He was convinced it would destroy the solid friendship they had, so even though he wanted so very much more, he kept silent. Except to MORGAN! And his anger at his drunk friend flared up again. He felt like an idiot that he had actually confided in someone over something so important. This was always what happened. He should've known.

He went inside and closed the door behind him, looking at his buzzing phone. Derek. Asshole. He wasn't about to answer and turned the phone completely off before tossing it on the counter. There was no way he wanted to be disturbed tonight.

He had just sat down, flopping over sideways on the sofa when there was a soft knock at his door. He ignored it. There it was again. FUCK. He threw a pillow across the room as he stood up and went to the door, jerking it open.

There she stood, her coat in her hands, looking small and shy and beautiful.

"Go home, JJ." He started to close the door but she pushed against it.

"Spence! Will you just talk to me?"

"I do not want your sympathy. Not tonight, not ever. Just leave, please."

"I'm not here to offer sympathy, Spencer Reid. I want answers and you're the only one that can give them to me."

"I'm sorry…"

"Well I'm NOT!" she grunted as she shoved open the door, knocking him backwards a little.

He stood straight upright as she came at him, stuffing his hands in his pockets, not knowing what else to do. She stopped just inches away from him, her chin tilted up stubbornly, fists on hips.

"Is this true? IS it, Spence? And if it is true, why am I hearing this just now? And why am I having to hear it from _Morgan?"_

Spencer looked down at her, her blue eyes blazing with misplaced anger. He didn't ever want to confuse her, or make her mad. He never even thought he'd ever have to tell her anything at all. Not about this. But the moment was here. She was here, and judging by her defiant stance she wasn't going anywhere.

"JJ…" he began, taking his hand out of his pocket and reaching for hers. "Can we sit?" he asked softly, leading her to the couch, where just minutes before he'd been slumped in misery. He looked into her face, her anger slowly dissolving and morphing into worry mixed with confusion, and she got that little line between her eyebrows that he loved so much.

"It is true. Morgan is the only one that knows. Knew. And now you." He reached a hand up to touch her face and caught himself, lowering it again. "JJ I'm sorry. I never wanted you to know. I never wanted anyone to know, but he wouldn't stop with the questions so I finally caved and told him the truth… and now this." He leaned back against the sofa and put his head in his hands. "God please don't hate me, don't be mad."

JJ processed what he said, still trying to wrap her mind around it. This was her closest friend in all the world, her son's godfather, her dear, sweet… but she'd never thought of him that way… had she? She'd always thought him oddly beautiful, and certainly she'd seen him blossom into a strong, gorgeous man in his own right, and he… he was probably one of, if not THE best person she knew.

"Spence, look at me…" she said, softly. She reached for him as he complied, turning to look at her and taking her outstretched hand. "Tell me what you're feeling. I don't care about tonight, okay? About before. What I care about is what's in here…" she brushed her fingers through the hair on his head. Why had she never noticed how soft his hair was? "…and here…" she said as she touched his chest, right where his heart was.

He looked down at her hand on his chest and back up into her eyes, her beautiful, familiar eyes, god her eyes. He swallowed, then took a deep breath and said "I love you. Jennifer Jareau, I love you. I have ever since I met you and it hasn't changed, it's only grown, gotten stronger. I feel like such an idiot because I just let it. I knew you wouldn't… that you didn't feel the same… but I thought one day, just one day… you might. Then came Will and then Henry and I felt you falling further and further away from me. So I channeled everything I was feeling into our friendship." He smiled then, a sweet, tentative smile. "It's really a great friendship, isn't it?"

She nodded, her eyes huge, the corners of her mouth turned down as she listened. She felt her chest expanding as he spoke, the sound of his calm voice a balm on her frayed nerves and she wasn't even aware of how tightly she was squeezing his hand until he said "Ow," very softly and she let go, laughing just a little.

"Don't…" he said, gently reaching up to wipe away a tear from her cheek.

She blinked… what? She hadn't even been aware she'd been crying, yet there was the evidence on his thumb. She reached up then and took his face in her hands. She saw the sadness, the loneliness in his eyes and it broke her heart. God she couldn't stand to see him this way, now that she knew… now that she knew.

Without a word she folded herself into his arms, wrapping hers around his waist nearly twice she was holding him so close. She felt his heartbeat quicken as she pressed her face against his throat, breathing him in, willing him to feel better with this, to not be hurting any more. She wanted to just push herself into him, to give him something of her. His sweet admission was almost more than she could take, and she held him tighter, feeling him return her embrace.

She didn't pity him, she… _needed_ him to be alright. Time fell away and they just stayed there for hours, slight movements, stroking hair and caressing forearms, backs of fingers against warm cheeks, his delicate touch up and down along her back and her hand against his chest as she buried her face in the clean smell of his shirt, and every time their eyes met another surge of emotion washed over them both. They spoke when they felt like it and didn't when they didn't.

It was well after two a.m. when JJ's phone went off. She closed her eyes and was loathe to untangle herself, but she did, sitting up with her hand still on Spencer's knee. His heart sank when she said "Hi Will. No, I'm at Spence's. Yeah, everything's okay. Mm-hm."

He heard Will tell her he loved her, but JJ didn't say it back and closed the connection. She turned and looked at him full-on and said. "I should go."

Spencer closed his eyes and looked down, nodding. He stood and took her hands in his, pulling her up. They walked to the door with their arms around each other, and Spencer took her coat off the chair by the door and held it for her as she shrugged into it. She turned around and looked up at him, searching his eyes. He pressed his lips together and said softly "If I never have anything else, I had tonight. All night, with you."

Tears pushed behind her eyes, making them glow in the dim light of his apartment. She reached up suddenly and clutched him to her. She whispered "Spence… god why do I feel like I shouldn't be leaving, like this is where I belong?"

She felt his arms surround her again and he said. "Because it is." He hugged her tightly once more, then gently unwound her arms from his neck and squeezed her hands. He opened his door, not wanting to prolong her departure but he couldn't resist leaning in and saying against her ear, "I love you, JJ. And I'm glad you know."

Her heart leapt into her throat and the tears that had been threatening spilled over. She quickly wiped them away and said "I'll see you tomorrow. I mean today."

"Yes." Spencer said.

His beautiful face looked at her with such warmth and love that she felt like she couldn't move. But move she did and he quietly closed the door behind her. He turned around and leaned his back against the door, closing his eyes and whispering _"Please don't go, please don't go…"_ over and over. When enough time had passed where he knew she was really gone, he peeled his back off the door and slowly, exhaustedly put one foot in front of the other and headed for his bedroom. He knew he wouldn't sleep, his body still humming from such close and prolonged contact with the woman he loved, but he would try.

He thought he imagined a soft knock. He was sure he imagined it. Wait, no, there it was again. He flew to the door and flung it open and there she stood, smiling and crying at the same time.

"I told myself if you didn't answer by the third knock I would go…" she shrugged, her voice garbled by tears.

He grabbed her and picked her up, lifting her far up off the floor and holding her tight against him, his heart thumping in his chest, his joy all over his face.

"There's a reason I never married him, Spence," she said, holding his face in her hands yet again. "It's you… it's always been _you_."

Spencer thought he would burst into flame at her words, at the feeling of her in his arms. He remembered his mother had always told him, anything - any_one_, he amended - worth having was worth waiting for. Their lips met in the most intensely passionate of kisses, long denied and well-earned, and as he melted into her, into the reality of her, he could think only one thing…

"She's home."

* * *

Spencer stood at the window, looking out at the perfectly untouched snow, and then looking at the perfection that was her, in his bed. His flawless mind would never allow him to forget any detail of the last few hours, and he would never want to. His awakening had surpassed everything he had ever dreamed, or conjured, or imagined. There would never be another woman for him, he knew. She was his dear friend, his love, and the one person in the world who knew everything he was, and loved him still. Loved him back.

His mind flashed on her, breathless, intense whispering "God Spence, I love you, I love you…" in the heated throes of their passion, in their coming together. He had been so shy at first, but her words in his ear, seeing her face, feeling her body's response gave him confidence, and soon his instincts took over. They were all over each other, head to toe and everything in-between and he had never imagined anything like it. Like her.

He stood in the window, leaning back, arms crossed, and just watched her sleep. After a while he saw a shaft of light land on her face and she flinched… moaning a little as she woke up. She opened her eyes and they sought him, first thing. She smiled shyly as she noticed him by the window, his slender body bathed in morning light. She leaned up on her elbows and cocked her head.

"Hi."

"Good morning." He had to smile, she looked adorable, all tousled and puffy with sleep, lips swollen from endless kisses.

"Look at _you_." She looked him up and down, admiring his slim nakedness. Admiring _all_ of him.

"I'd rather look at you."

She smiled and reached out to him, opening her arms and he sprinted across the bedroom, jumping back into bed with her amidst the fluffy white comforter and ridiculously high thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. They embraced and Spencer felt renewed in her arms, like a totally different, totally new, man. He remembered her making the same gesture when he'd hit the home run against the Secret Service, and how he'd nearly scaled the fence to get to her.

There was no fence between them now. He buried his face at her throat, she smelled of sweat and sex and in her hair was the lingering fragrance of jasmine and he felt himself hard and pressing against her again. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he slid into her again and again, feeling her tight, warm, wet embrace, her welcoming him in his entirety, all of him, and she pushed against him frantically and lustfully and she didn't care about anything but her sweet, precious, darling Spence…

They lay entangled after, both of them ignoring what this would actually mean, and how it would change their lives. Their hearts were humming in unison, so thrilled, so incredibly happy to be together. Spencer got up and cooked them food, wearing nothing but an apron when he brought the eggs in. They drank coffee until their ears were floating, and they fed each other in bed, using the 'fingers only' rule. They laughed, and they kissed, and they kissed some more.

And then JJ's phone went off. She got up out of bed and padded naked over to answer it. After making sure Henry was okay, she turned around and met Spencer's eyes.

"Will. We need to talk."


End file.
